Hide and Seek

I found out this weekend that Midna can play hide and seek.

She was on our bed and I was on the floor beside. I began by peeking up at her then ducking down. She would pounce to the edge and make her "cricket" chirp while peering down at me. I would pop up saying, "Boo!" Then she chirped while turning quickly and diving under the sheet. This went on over and over for about ten minutes.

I wish I had a camera to capture the action because it made me laugh.

A Return of Fear

Yet again I am faced with the decision I never wanted to make.

Infertility treatment.

The mere thought gives me a choked feeling of dread.  A year ago we thought we had beaten infertility against all odds.  But here we are again. 

I shirked, I left the decision up to Brandon.  If we haven't had success by the end of the year our new year will start with infertility appointments.  A repeat of all the tests we did throughout 2008. Wrestling again with the moral dilemmas. Waving the white flag.

I want to just "give up,"  I'm not being pessimistic.  I want to let go of the fight, the anguish, the burden.  I want to find peace, I'm so weary.  In "giving up" I want to truly give it all to God.  I want to trust fully in His perfect will and timing. But that's far easier said than done. 

I also know His will might not include us becoming parents. I'm tired of people acting like I lack faith because I suggest we might not have children.  Yes, my hope has taken a major hit, I'm not impervious to the pain of disappointment month after month.  I'm wrestling with many questions.  God wants us to ask the hard questions, He doesn't mind us dealing with our anger and hurt feelings.

Sometimes I believe He might want to teach me more about patience.  I don't think I'm extremely impatient. I did wait 6 1/2 years to marry Brandon after knowing I wanted to marry him after a year.  In many ways I failed that test miserably but was also rewarded with a completely devoted and supportive husband.

So I struggle.  I'm struggling harder than ever, sometimes only hanging on by a thread.  Perhaps these trials really will make me stronger someday. I cling hard to that when hope seems all but gone.

Olivia

The first in our group of mutual friends who are expecting, had their baby a week and a half ago. Brandon went to visit them last Saturday and sadly, I couldn't go with him. I had been sick all the previous week and while I was already feeling better, I didn't want to risk spreading germs to them.

Finally, last night I was able to go over and meet Olivia. At just under 7 pounds she looked tiny. I'm used to monster newborns, my nephew weighed nearly 10 pounds, my niece was close to the same, and my cousin was over 10 pounds. Olivia fit so snugly in the crook of my arm.

I thought about sending flowers, a gift, the usual but I don't know, I guess I am too practical. Flowers die. A gift, well what? I wanted to do something useful. So, I made them dinner and brought it over last night. It's what I would want someone to do for me. They thanked us over and over.

We didn't stay too long but it was nice getting to chat with them. And getting some "baby snuggles" was pretty nice too.

Sadness

My heart is breaking for my sister-in-law and her family. They had to let her mother go. It was sudden. She was supposed to get well, not worse. She was too young. She was their rock. Always thinking of others before herself. Her smile lit up the room. Her kindness and compassion will live on in Jessica.

When I found out things were not looking good I drove to the hospital to offer my support. I didn't know what else to do but I felt like I needed to be there. If I was in the same situation I would want Jessica there with me. I lent an ear, a shoulder. I walked the halls. I prayed. I ran out of words so I prayed the same thing over and over.

It was so hard to watch them go through all that. They know she is in a better place, a place where she no longer suffers. They know they will see her again. But that doesn't always make the grief easier.

Ramblings of a Head Cold

Life has been happening but I've been feeling particularly uninspired to write lately. Which is probably the best time to write.

There's been mental wrangling dealing yet again with our loss. I thought I was doing well but the scar was peeled back a couple of months ago. I've since come to realize that I will never "get over it" but I can move on and I can choose how I deal with it. With out realizing it depression was starting to set in, but I've decided not to let it overcome me. One day I will beat depression once and for all.

Something I have to constantly tell myself.

More mental wrangling about infertility treatment. Once again it's time to start making those decisions. I have such an immense fear about going through all of it. Another thing I need to let die. But I've got support now. I realize I have to open up, share, and allow others to help me through this journey. It doesn't mean that I am weak. It doesn't mean that I am burdening others.

Things I have to keep reminding myself.

Yet more on my future career options. I am blessed beyond words to have this time of rest. Because of choices and sacrifices we have made I am not working right now. I have a great many interests which gives me a tendancy of paralysis in wondering what is the "right" choice. I realize I might "fail" again, but how will I know without trying? Who cares if I have to go back to school a number of times? Education is never a waste. Stepping out into the unknown is scary but paralysis due to fear is even scarier.

Thoughts I need to drill into my brain.

Do you notice the pattern? Low self-esteem is my enemy. When I told my mom that years ago she said, "But you have never cared what others think of you, you always seem so strong." True, I don't really care. Why is low self-esteem always wrapped up in what others think of you? And seem is the key word. I tend to not share my true self with others.

I am my own worst enemy. Overly critical. Perfectionistic. I don't let others in very easily. It's an anchor that weighs me down. I am only harming myself.

But I am trying. I am opening up more. Reaching out to a support system. Even dealing with unpleasant things and unpleasant people. Working to not let the helpful hurtful things they say rankle.

Life is hard. Dealing with life is hard work. But I can choose to be miserable or happy.

I can choose to live instead of exist.